amor fati

silver morning.

So I only got 2 hours of sleep last night since Anh and Chari visited. I’ve missed them so much! We went to Ami’s for dinner and caught up the rest of the night (: 

I woke up before the sun did this early morning to go to my first Health Fair at Monterey Park for APHC! Honestly, I didn’t have much expectations for it since I was a floater instead of being stationed at BMI as I hoped. I didn’t think I would get much out of being a floater but man was I wrong. I pretty much had to translate and practice speaking Chinese, direct people to the different stations and answer any questions. I actually liked being a floater; I was able to go to three different stations including the children’s area! The kids are too cute. All in all, it was a very enjoyable experience. 

What I got out of it:

1) I’m really starting to be able to function well without a lot of sleep and running around for hours on end. Mind over matter. 

2) Speaking in Chinese. I suck at speaking so it was good practice! I also noticed that a lot of the dental students/volunteers were able to speak fluently - sometimes in more than one dialect -_- I’m so jealous! It definitely comes in handy. I wish I were able to communicate effectively. It made some of us sad to see the contrast. The dental students aren’t even that much older than us but most of us already lost the ability to speak well. The lost generation ); 

3) Meeting people! Everyone’s so nice and accepting (: Even if people don’t know each other, they’ll smile kindly to each other and offer to help. It’s been a while since I’ve ran into that here. I also got to interact with the health care providers! woot wooot.

4) Patient careeee! I was really glad that a lot of people came out. Especially the elderly. They usually came by themselves or with a friend, not much with family. I’m glad they’re taking initiative to make sure they’re healthy. 

This one woman stood out to me. She was in line for dental while I was stationed at hearing and accidentally thought we were in charge of their line. She was stubborn and complained about how she thought we were erasing her number. Anyway, it was all just a misunderstanding. She eventually finished with the dental check-up and moved on to the hearing test. I watched her session to see how the audiologists work. I thought she was doing fine but it turned out that she failed in both ears. I was sad to witness someone being told that their hearing wasn’t well, especially since she was alone. So she asked what should she do? Luckily there’s a low cost clinic with a Chinese doctor so hopefully it’ll help! Anyway after that she wanted to check up on her glucose levels so I led the way. The fair was about to end though so they weren’t going to take anymore people. But she really wanted to do it, she wasn’t afraid to argue with our director. So I told her to sit down and advocated for her. I had to talk to the director and luckily got her in as the only exception. I really didn’t see the harm in taking one more person, one who really wanted it. I just wanted to make sure she got a full check-up so I’m glad I came through for her. 

It might not seem like much but it made a difference to me and hopefully for her. This was the first time really “advocating for a patient” even if it was just for a glucose screening. It’s been a while since I’ve focused on someone else other than myself and it felt really good. I didn’t even think in that whole 7 hours that I was wasting my time or about the pile of work that I had waiting for me. Honestly, I loved it. I loved every moment of it. 

Earlier this week, a friend asked for my UC personal statements to look over so I read them again after what .. 3 years? I was laughing at myself for being so sappy and caring. lolol. It seems I’ve lost a lot of empathy to bitterness these past two years. The irony that many pre-meds lose the characteristic that gave them their dream in the first place. Anyway, today showed me I didn’t lose it all. I thought I had turned into some cold-hearted person hahah. 

Today also showed me a preview of what I wanted for the future. I’ve been debating between an MD or PhD or both lately. Chemistry has been super super interesting so I was thinking of going to graduate school in case med school doesn’t work out. And that’s still an option but I realized today what an MD and PhD meant to me. PhD = research. I like research. It challenges me, makes me think in different ways and constantly makes me feel the need to learn. If I’m not learning then it’s not worth it. I’m getting to the point where money is placed at a lower priority than learning (which is why I want to quit my job sometime this year..). It’s focused on me - how I build myself up, how I get myself through some yeast transformations or chiral synthesis. 

MD on the other hand is focused on other people. How can you help patients improve their health and health education. How to improve their standard of living. Today showed me that I feel much happier helping others in the end. Much much happier. I wouldn’t strike grad school out just yet but at least I know which one I want more in the long run now. Getting my life sorted out step by step. yippeee (: